Some people are placed in your life for a purpose. Whether that purpose be to be a permanent fixture or to just be temporary. I am finding that some of those people, whom I thought would be around forever aren't anymore. And I'm finding that some of those who I thought would stick around for a while, but then fade out, are actually some of the most promising fixtures of my life this far. I've learned that some people have taught me about myself, some have taught me about humanity, and some have just shown me love.

I want to say thanks to those who have been a part of my life in anyway. The learning and growing continues, and without you, I would not have made it this far.

Life.

Every day I'm growing older and every day I'm changing. I can't decide if the changes are due to my college endeavor or if it's simply me growing up. Although, there are some days I still feel like a child.

My heart towards myself is growing. I'm learning to believe in myself even when the rest of the world doesn't. I'm also learning that it's okay to feel defeated sometimes. I don't have to be perfect and I don't have to feel perfect all the time. It's okay to have a bad day. I'm also developing a confidence in myself that no one can give me but myself. I can be my own person and I don't have to have someone to tell me who that is. I am finally figuring it out. And I'm completely okay with that, although I may never fully understand who I am.

I am also growing in my relationships with others. I'm learning that the people in my life are here for a reason and that the people who are no longer here are gone for a reason. Also, I am who I am and the people in my life have to love me for that, or I don't need them there. This has been my toughest lesson, but I'm learning it all the same.

On a side note, I schedule for next semester in just a few weeks. I can't believe that this semester is already almost over. Wow. I'm seriously a college freshman.

Feelings are so weird. There are so many definitions for specific feelings, but can you really ever define it? Maybe one person evokes a feeling differently than someone else, but they think it's the same?

Somedays I don't know how I should feel or if how I am feeling is dumb. I also don't ever know how the other person or persons are feeling. So it's confusing. I don't want to put myself out there and look like an idiot and make things awkward. I just wish I could know both sides or not feel anything at all.

Blahhh.

On a side note, home for a few days. A lot of studying to do, but the break will be great. :)

Thank you, PostSecret.

Sometimes I worry about being too whiny or sad on this blog. But, then I realize that it's my blog and I can write whatever I want. Also, it's important to remember that this is the only place that hears my whining and sadness anyways.

Although through recent posts it appears as if I hate my life and do nothing but live in an emotional wreck, that is actually far from the truth. I love life. I'm very happy and things couldn't be much better.

Reasons why life is wonderful:

1. The weather. It's finally fall and campus is beautiful.

2. Friends. I have the best people in my life.

3. Fun. I'm having so much fun.

Everyone knew but me.

I hate being lied to. I really do. It hurts. And it sucks. Don't tell me that things will be different, that this time you won't treat me like crap. Don't feed me lines about being my best-friend and DON'T come spend the day with me and act like you're there for me. Because you're lying. And you proved that to me. I don't understand how I have stuck around for all these years and I'm still only good enough, if you don't have anyone else. Am I really that bad of a person? Seriously? I do everything I can for you and when someone else comes along, you're done with me. That's dumb. No, actually I am dumb. Dumb for ever thinking I would mean anything to you. You don't even treat me like a person. Dumb for being here all these years, thinking I was helping, that we were friends, that I needed you or you needed me. I'm done. For once and for all. I'm DONE.

Consuming Fear

For those of you who read this, you probably don't know me very well. You've stumbled across this page in some form or fashion and here you are. reading. this. I am an organized person. I like structure and plans and organization. It's just who I am. I take after my father. This is probably one of my biggest attributes and biggest flaws. It's quite the double-edged sword. Nothing scares me more then not knowing what's going to happen or where I'm headed. I hate this. But, like I said. It's who I am. As of my life right now there are several situations in which I have no plan. I have no idea what's happening or where things are going. I feel vulnerable and scared.

School. I had this big plan of what I was going to major in and what I was going to do with my life. Although, the plan was always a bit shaky, it was a plan nonetheless. I felt comfort in knowing where I was headed and what I was to do. Until the third day of classes came and I switched my major to "Undeclared." That's the scariest word in the world. Well, maybe not the scariest, but it's on the list. I am now wandering aimlessly in the world of classes and careers. I'm taking classes I have to take to graduate, but I'm at a complete loss for what I want to do with the rest of my life. People tell me all the time that I don't have to know yet. This is true. But, what did I tell you earlier? I need a plan. So, I'm currently enduring life without a plan. Without organization. Without direction. Some days I love it because the pressure is gone. But, then some days I feel like my head is spinning and I can't tell which way is up. I'm just taking it one day at a time. Literally. Trying to learn that life can't be planned and organized all the time. It just can't. Things happen, it's life.

Friendships. I have met a ton of new friends this semester. It's fabulous. They are funny, smart, pretty and caring. They are a bit intimidating. But they seem to love me as me. And that's all I really want. It's a bit frightening because I'm having to learn to trust complete strangers, who are becoming my friends. I wonder if next year, we won't talk at all. Or if they will be my bridesmaids. Or if I will marry one of them someday. It's mind boggling. And scary to think I might not know them when we begin to really split of into our specific fields. I hope that doesn't happen. Please don't let that happen. There are also friendships I had before college, some way before college, some in the past year or two. I hate to say that I don't have a whole lot of contact with my friends from high school anymore. It's disheartening. But, it's just what has happened. There are a few friends who are very engaged in my life right now. They have been my rock through the transition to college. For those of you who don't know, my transition has been anything but good. I'm scared of losing contact with these friends, some of which the contact has already lessened. It makes me sad to think one day they might not be there. I have needed them so much lately, that I don't know if I can do it without them. I hope it's possible to have them as lifelong friends. I need them. Even though they don't need me.

Welcome to my heart. Here it is. How I feel and see the world right now. Do with it what you want.